Eating Pizza
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
A truck driver picks up a female hitchhiker as he drives by.
After a while, the truck driver pulls over on the side of the road and the woman asks him what he's doing. He asks her if she wants to have s*x and she says "I can't I'm on my period."
He says, "Well, that doesn't matter."
So they get in the back of the truck and he is eating her out.
A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking. So he gets out and knocks on the truck.
The truck driver opens the door and asks, "Can I help you officer?"
The officer said, "What are you doing?"
The truck driver, licking his fingers says "Eating Pizza!"
A Useless Bet
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
Two guys were swapping stories in the club one day and one guy, a war veteran mentioned that during the war he was captured and was held captive for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was held captive and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT? That's so disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"
Without a second thought the war vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.
In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit?"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.
Starving Bums
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
One night, two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and all!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
At The Cinema
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling h*rny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
Making Tea
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
The Leper and The Bartender
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
Hungry and Thirsty Men
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you f*ck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly a*s."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "f*ck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, f*cks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "F*ck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
Hot Chile
*SICK JOKE CAUTION*
A man sits down in a diner and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
