Twelfth Baby
A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"Joe"
"But you named the last eleven Joe"
"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."
Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
Doctor's Test
One day, a sick guy went to a doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".
Farmers Market
One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys?"
"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.
"OK, I'll take one" says the farmer “Also I need a rooster, have you got any?"
"No" replies the man “But we do have some cockrells, will that do?"
"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those too"
When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.
He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my c*ck, while I slap my a$$"
Great Face Lift
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.
About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".
Going Fishing
One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."
The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"
"Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a bl*w job.... or Three, you take it up the a$$!"
The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BL*W JOB, or A$$?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a bl*w job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes sh*tty and stuff!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Accidental Bump
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
Pharmacist Dad
A young man goes into a drug store to buy c*ndoms. The pharmacist says the c*ndoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Buying Chicken
One day a man went to the supermarket to buy some boneless chicken breasts. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
A few minutes later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the speaker: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Three Nuns
Three nuns were having a rest one afternoon and one of the nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of p*rnographic magazines...!" "So, what did you do?" the other nuns asked."Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
And then the second nun said, "Well, when I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, I found a bunch of c*ndoms...!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
Bunny and Bear
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?" The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his @ss.
Stressed Out
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 glasses of beer. The bartender asked, "What's the matter?," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. "I'm sorry to hear that." replied the bartender.
After a couple of days, the guy comes back and orders 15 glasses of beer. The bartender asked, "What's the matter now?" and the guy responds that he just found out that his older son was gay too! The bartender says that he's sorry to hear that.
The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 glasses of beer. The bartender bursts out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any p*ssy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, MY WIFE!!!
Wild Tribesmen
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in an Amazon jungle and the Chief is going to punish them for entering their sacred land. So he calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". The explorer didn't wanna die, so he chooses booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! dances around, and the chief then rips the explorers pants off and f*cks him in the a$$.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he chooses booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dances around. The chief rips the second guy's pants off and f*cks him in the a$$.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
Winning Lottery
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Jim, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Great! Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just make sure you're out of the house by noon!"
Saving Money
One night as a way to save money, a young couple had an idea that every time they have s*x the husband puts his pocket change into a piggy bank near their bed. But after they had s*x one night, the husband accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes in pieces.
When he looked onto the floor, he was surprised to see a few five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the dollar bills?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Camel and Commander
An army camp in an Afghanistan desert had just received a new commander. During the new commander's first inspection he saw a camel tied to a tree not far from the camp.
The commander asked what the camel is for, and one of the soldiers who had been there for years explained to him that sometimes the men get very lonely since there aren't any women there, and when they do, they usually use the camel.
The commander went and doesn't think about it, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men brought the camel, and the commander went to work on it.
After about an hour the commander came out, zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No sir, we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
Funny Old Man
One day an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The old man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Old Man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Old Man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup..
Something Red
A young female teacher was giving her class of first graders questions of what's behind my back.
On the first one she asks "Behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?". "An apple!" replied little Thomas. "No," said the teacher " It's a tomato but it shows your thinking."
"I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An apple," replied little Billy "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking."
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end." "Dirty little boy!," said the teacher "No it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered.
Final Answer
One night after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was feeling a bit frisky.He asked his wife if she was in the mood for s*x. But his wife answered, "Sorry but not tonight dear, I have a headache."The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes!" "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
Finally Together
A woman got married and had 5 children, but then her husband died. She married again and had 4 more children. Again, Her husband died. She remarried again for the third time and this time had 3 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
