A woman had just given birth to her twelfth baby when her doctor says,
"You've just had your twelfth baby Miss. What are you going to name this one?"
"But you named the last eleven Joe"
"Yeah its great. I say Joe go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Joe come for dinner, they all come for dinner."
"But what if you only want one of them?"
"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied...
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
One day, a sick guy went to a doctor. The doctor ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".
One day a redneck farmer goes to farmers market and asks "Do you have any donkeys?"
"Yes, but we call them asses" the man replies.
"OK, I'll take one" says the farmer “Also I need a rooster, have you got any?"
"No" replies the man “But we do have some cockrells, will that do?"
"Sure" says the man "Gimme one of those too"
When he arrived home he found that both his new animals were being quite troublesome.
He called his wife and said "You bend down and grab my c*ck, while I slap my a$$"
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.
About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".
Great Face Lift
One morning, a husband, turns to his lovely wife, "Honey, we're going fishing this weekend, just you, me and the dog."
The wife frowns, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go...? I really don't want to go!"
"Ok, I'll give you three choices... One, You come fishing with me and the dog... Two, You give me a bl*w job.... or Three, you take it up the a$$!"
The wife frowns even more, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
A half hour later the husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BL*W JOB, or A$$?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a bl*w job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Ew! It tastes totally disgusting... It tastes sh*tty and stuff!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy c*ndoms. The pharmacist says the c*ndoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
One day a man went to the supermarket to buy some boneless chicken breasts. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
A few minutes later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the speaker: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."